Never let them take you alive

This night, it's existance is simply like rabies to me.
it's insane and hoping to be shot,
just to watch the blood escape it's wounds, to watch the life drain away until all hope for existance is gone.
I can't wait to see you in a pool of my own blood, splattered on the walls and against my skin.
The contarst of pale and deep red is such a sweet feeling.
This was never supposed to happen, but still the rusted trash of your New York tells me the tales of all their lies and insanity, their sex and shootings,the very gutters I've left you to drown in.
Screaming, bloody hell, won't you just leave us yet? we're sure it would be soon, not so it would be silent.
I'm killing off your memories, tearing out the very nails that hold up everything I know. we're both dying tonight, one physically. the other mentaly. Like a curse.
So give me a cure for this cancer, eat it when I'm turning black.
It's almost as if I'm pleading to myself, holding this two sided shit of a conversation. we're getting nowhere, And now I'm choking on blood.
oh the sick taste, so sweet, so corrosive.
I'm waiting for a lifeline, made of human flesh and insanity's bones.
So throw down your wretched whores to save me soul, and I'm burning in my hell as the angels stand laughing...

Hitler, Being Punished for Obvious Reasons, is Forced to Spend Eternity Plagued By an Intense Unrelenting Physical and Emotional Fatigue That is Further Compounded by an Innumerable Multitude of Obnoxious Grandchildren Who Are Constantly Present and Who Irritate Him to Such an Extreme That Not the Slightest Degree of Rest is Attainable                     - of Montreal

 

is my new favourite song title, to be had.

Ow, I feel like my liver's going south...

 

I find myself complaining too much. Time to suck it up.

 

A fucking Blink 182 reunion? let me tell you, i couldn't be more stoked. :)

just a few songs i consider my anthems...

 

Everclear- Heroin Girl

Nirvana- Territorial Pissings

Toy Dolls- Sod the Neighbours

The Beatles- Revolution

Sex Pistols- Anarchy in the UK

Pennywise- Fuck Authority

Search and Destroy- Iggy and The Stooges

Black Mamba- The Academy Is

LA’s Wasted Youth- Heroin

The Damned- Problem Child

Misfits- Scream

Bikini Kill- Rebel Girl

The Offspring- You're Gonna Go Far, Kid.

What are yours?

I bought a new Nirvana bag. :) i cannot be happier. it's totally rad.
Now, Abigail Williams- The World Beyond is one of the most epicly wicked songs i've heard in a while. the riffs alone and fantastic. not to mention the dudes screams...he RIPS. it's amazing.
I have good feelings about this year.
So on Saturday... Me and Abby are gonna go to Old Bisbee dressed really awkwardly and scare some tourists. She's gonna be a cross dresser and i'm a wacked out Axl Rose wannabe. it's gonna be so fantastic. I hope to originate some stares while we babble on about buttery jugs and Unicorns and Popcorn. Yep, thats how we roll...
haha blog...it's a funny word.
I'm utterly happy. can't you tell? yay for the world.
Walked around with red ink all over my left hand. it looked like blood. told people i had killed the Cave Ho. psh, i wish. that irritatng little self centered bastard needs to leave us alone. needless to say, there's a good number of little seventh graders convinced i'm a satanist... how i love my school.
There's a nasty similarity between me and Mufaro. i don't think i enjoy this.
ha, you shouldn't feed unicorns popcorn. i learned that today. I results very badly and should never be done.
What am i listening to? Children of the Damned by Iron Maiden. I finally found my lovely little CD and i'm gonna go listen right now.

 

ohohoh and i'm trying to cut down on my lovely swearing and increase my other vocabulary. it sounds like a good thing to do.

Have a nice weekend, people!

NOTE: this is a rant, and i'm fully aware that i'm being a bit of a hypocrite. bear with me.

I'm tired of people complaining.

I've complained. everyone has, about the problems we've daily faced. it's a human instinct to do so,and i'm not saying thats a problem. but i've noticed that people in general have been complaining more and more, about less and less important things. like your stick of eyeliner breaking. and thats it.

Why do you see fit to write an entire journal about how your photo won't post? or how your pants tore? or to waste the air we breathe to rant about how your shoelace tore? Just try to repost it. or learn how to sew.  but a new shoelace. or tie it together. neither of these are that hard.

I'm sorry, but your little problems are so minimal compared to some that others have. so i guess it just bugs me how insanely large people pass them off as. I see complaining at how your mother always is yelling at you, or how your teachers at school are sexist. Or maybe how you broke your leg and won't be able to compete in the up coming track meet. Those things are bigger than a fucking stick of eyeliner breaking.

Has anyone else noticed how people complain more often than not? theres people who go without food for days and you complain at how the weather isn't to your liking. what the hell?

I'm aiming on not complaining as often, so i thought i'd bring it to your attention. and such. maybe we can all learn to stop complaining? maybe the world would be happier. there'd be less random journals that irritate people. who know? we should try it.

lets look at your delima:

now lets look at his:

which one is worth complaining over?

Think on it.

i've the perfect idea for a photo.

but i'd need photoshop to complete it.

mirror images...you know. fuck.

Eric McFadden is my hero. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcA4S46aWjE&feature=related

He's my cousins dads brother. So i decided to go check out his music. it's impressive, and i love it.

please, check it out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hqpRcZeMv4&feature=related

 

if you ever, EVER steal my photos, i'll automaticly own your soul. got it? good.

oh, same goes if you're an idiotic jackass who enjoys putting people down over a computer. then i fucking DEVOUR your soul. cause souls are delicious.

so how would you like being an empty person? then don't fucking be a shit head.

I'm getting sick of it.

So, allow me to rant. i need it.

Theres a girl, i thought she was my friend. fuck, i guess she still is. but there's no way i'm as close to her as she thinks she is to me. She's a liar and self centered, i've found out. hell, the absolute SHIT she says over the internet? she says her boyfriend (ex...) told her he hated he and to go cut herself. HELL, i know this boy better than that, and he would never say that. EVER. he cared way too much about her. She sits on her ass drinking all she can get her hands on, she cuts majorly, she's been suicidal, and she's disinigrating, and she says she hates how her friends are always trying to get her help? fuck, thats cause she needs it, badly. and it only means we fucking care.and telling people that all we do is betray her? WHAT THE FUCK is that all about? we've been trying to help her sorry ass for years now. and you know what? with all the lies she's said about me, i'm calling it a lost cause. fuck, she wants to do this? let her.

really, i know she's depressed. but she refuses help, however hard i've tried. i love her, but not enough to be her shit pan.

Goddamn, what a great school semester this will be.

I'm a bitch. I don't care.

if there's one thing thats been good from all this, i've grown closer to my other friend. you could call us best friends, but i don't have any of those.

Fuck, she's moved. ima miss her more now.

So, i'm writing a review on 2008. seemed like a good idea, and an interesting thing to do.

I'm bad at remembering anything really. i know in January to May i was an idiotic blissful seventh grader in this lovely small town. i discovered buzznet at some point in this little space of time, along with Three Days Grace, Muse, and Unicorns who eat popcorn. I planned on going to the Warped tour, i wanted to be a summer girl with long legs.

June to July, i changed a bit. I got the biggest sunburn ever, I attended the Warped Tour and discovered how much i love Metal music, i boosed my confidence with my concert photography, which i don't think is good anymore. I traveled to Kentucky, went to Kings Island, got a first kiss, and ate tofu (yuk). I discoverd how much i loved to write. I tried many new things in those months: high heels, eyeliner, peppermint tooth paste, and heroin. I regret nothing.

August to September: i started school again, discovered exactly how insane eighth grade in a small town could be. Filled with whores, ignorant people, homophobes, crack addicts, and people who are just full of themselves, my school became a tedious place. as always, my grades slipped in september, but i got them up fast. I learned how to pin bugs.

October- November: Halloween was a great time. i figured out who real friends are, and i discovered some dark things about people I've tried to forget. started cutting the bad people out of my life, figuresd out that counseling sessions only make me feel wors, decided to become a more positive person, did heroin again. I regret it this time.

December- It's yet over, but i've only minutes left of it. I've changed a lot over these weeks, i think i'm figuring out who i am. I've really decided to stop self injuring, though no one seems to believe me. I got tired of being called emo, i'm trying to find something else to do with my style. I accepted full on that i am bisexual, I've decided to live in Los Angeles when i graduate Hi! School. I plan on being less ignorant, and less shy. I've been focusing on the things that make me laugh (thank you Florian) and less on the things that make me cry. talked someone out of being an idiot, made a good decision. Got a better grasp on my beliefs ( yes, i'm agnostic. i don't believe in either fate or destiny, I do believe in the future. I still believe in fairies. I do believe in good people.) I'm shaking in my boots with fear about the future, but i'm trying to do less of that. i learned to question my decisions, and look inside of people.

Resoloutions: i never believed in these things, but i figure i'll write plans down. I plan to be more up to date, more educated, more motivated. less apathetic, more positive. less depressed and meek, more in your face. less scared. I don't want to hold onto my world, i want to plunge my fist into it and grasp it from the inside. I also plan on being nicer to myself. I plan to learn to save both money and memories, and not be so naieve. less judging, less dumb.

but i can quote : "worrying is a waste of my...time."

And i've yet to learn how to lose myself, so i've been trying. then maybe i'll find myself completely.

So hello 2009, i'm still afraid of whats to come, but i'm going to be a diffrent person. I'm ready.

 

 

I’m drowning in ice, you wish it was you.

There’s no place to hide.

Clear the smoke from your lungs, pull your self together!

We’re sleeping in a better time.

Never coming back, never turning back!

 

What are you afraid of? Don’t tell me it’s this face.

Don’t dare to forget this name, you’ll be screaming it later.

Of course you won’t forget this voice,

It’s the last one you’ll hear!

 

Scream until your lungs give out. No one’s here to save you.

Walls of secrets, now there’s little oxygen.

Stagger out, trip away.

Time’s running out.

 

Curled up in corners, what’s in this room that keeps you coming back?

Is it all you’re breathing for?

Words spill out faster than new blood

Like thoughts through your head.

 

You do know I’d die here with you?

But I have better things to do. Dig your own grave.

I’m not helping you, there’s no turning back once we’ve started.

No running, No hiding. As if they could do both.

 

Shadows have come to an end! Night could last forever.

All is less than the dark, Darker than death it’s self.

Can you feel it? Or at least understand how I feel this?

This is the way we should have done this.

 

So they may know us. A cold bed.

So come and let it go, in your mind.

Do you fear who we are? Without you?

What we do, what we are, what we speak.

 

You’re afraid of everything that exists to you,

Sad as nothing as they whisper to you.

Your reflection in shadowed rooms.

Me.

 

Shut up! Just shut up!

I’m driven to insanity by your stupid broken promises.

I hope the tables turn, and you’ll be thrown into the ocean instead.

Who we are is not a bother to you once you’re gone.

 

(it may be a repost, i forget. my first attempt at lyrics)

 

I'm just feeling really depressed right now, because i see how much i've been changing. I realized that i can't go back to that little girl without a care in the world, and it's freaked me out. Now i'm so afraid of the future, of what i can become.

And i swear i will not be powerless. Some people tell me thats my worst idea ever, to have power. I think it's better than being that person who depends on everyone to help her with her life. I want control.

i wrote some stuff today. I'm actually almost proud of it. :)

seemed important enough to let out in a journal post, so here you go.

 

---

 

"Where do we go (life's temporary), after we're gone (like new years resolutions),why is this hard (do you recognize me),I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believin') ,I'm so lost ,I'm barely here, I wish I could explain myself, but words escape me."

 

 

i don't know what i was thinking. i really do not.

I mean what the hell?

---

I had an awesome day today. went to see mr. Mall Santa.

Of course, as the good child that i am, i disturbed him greatly with what i asked for. :) I even gave him a photo, haha.

you wanna see the picture? here it is :

 

lets just pretend i'm insane. ok?

I'd love to drop everyone a note that says Happy Christmas, but i don't have that much time on my hands, so to everyone:

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! and MERRY NEW YEAR!!!!

 

---

so what did everyone ask for Christmas? and what were your best moments of 2008?

 

I'd tell you what i asked for... but in truth i'm embarrased about that... no clue what i was thinking. I'll tell you that my mom looked at me and asked, "Kathryn, are you drunk?"  so yeah.

Hell, my best moment of 2008 had to be my random tourettes moment. :) just cause it was weird and funny.

---

And who knew all your legends could be so destructive?

Hell, how one loves the scent of insanity,

It reeks of letting yourself go.

The pain could be blinding, if only you cared.

The ups are mountains; the downs are your deepest seas.

If it was drowning, why are they all not dead?

The flood wasn’t what you expected, but what you craved.

Breathe it in until it’s all burning,

Hell, one fears the sweet release of insanity.

Soft and sharp, it tightens the muscles until its all you’d ever feel.

Where do we go? Where does it end now?

Blackened hands, the walls are soon to collapse.

Now who knew your legends would all be dead?

Immobilized by the noise,

Why don’t you just let yourself in?

I hate when people ask questions like that. hell, of course i don't know! you haven't told me yet!

ok, on all standards, i don't think i need help anymore. I'm over being self destructive. Bot i still get forced to go toa counselor. :P

 

Today's top 5 songs-

1. Too Young To Fall In Love- Motley Crue
2. Bad Reputation- Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
3. William, It Was Really Nothing- The Smiths
4. High Voltage- AC/DC
5. Running Away- Three Days Grace

 

And thats how the day goes today.

I'm considering taking a break on buzznet, until next year. thoughts? it might give me time to redo my self. I'm tired of who i am.

Hello.

Welcome to my mind, I'm one bored bastard. Watch me strangle my time and forget where it went.

Top Ten Albums

1. Sugarcult- Lights Out (best song: Los Angeles)

2. Motley Crue- Too Fast For Love (Best Song: Starry Eyes)

3. blink 182 – blink 182 (best song: Violence)

4. Ramones- Rocket to Russia (best song: Little Ramona)

5. Mest- Photographs (best song: Kiss Me, Kill Me)

6. Fountains of Wayne- Traffic and Weather (best song: Someone to Love)

7. Motley Crue- Girls, Girls, Girls (best song: Dancing on Glass)

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Plagues (best song: Reptar, King of the Ozone)

9. Nine Inch Nails- Pretty Hate Machine (best song: Head like a Hole)

10: The Doors: The Soft Parade ( best song: Touch Me.)

 

Top Ten Artists

1. The Beatles

2. blink 182

3. Sugarcult

4. The Doors

5. Panic! At The Disco ( Fever ca.)

6. Motley Crue

7. Ratt

8. Escape the Fate (Craig Mabbit ca.)

9. Nine Inch Nails

10. This Providence

 

"I want a girl, girl that won't talk back
And a job, job that gives me slack
And a car, car that won't break down
In the heat of Los Angeles
I want to go, go without a map
Far away, away, I won't get trapped
By the sound, a town, the sun beats down
In the heat of Los Angeles

One more holiday
I will not celebrate
I'm almost desperate
Cause I'm down, I'm down, I'm so beat down

This city's killing me
I want, I want, I want everything
This city's killing me
In the heat of Los Angeles"

Currently my addiction.

Los Angeles by Sugarcult has got to be my top song of all time.

Friday was indeed awkward.

I need a blacker soul, to let it all alone... and you should fear what it's done to me, i just want you to leave me alone.

I've figured out where i wish to live- Either NYC or Los Angeles. or someplace no one will know me. I'm so tired of people knowing my name, them knowing my life.

The sun will burn down my skies, my screams are melting to thin ice.

Have you ever woken up and found you were missing an article of clothing? yeah, well... i still don't know where my shirt was. I've been known to sleep walk, so it's probably lost... unles i wasn't wearing one... but i swear i had one on, and i wake up and wonder why it's so damned cold. :P

Once i get a car... man, you'll be sure i'll never be here. This house isn't a home, it's a shell i'll inhabit for 4 more years. or three.

I'm almost desperate to get out of here.

I still want someone who will call me love.

so my week: Good, tiring, one of the best this year. :)

so i accidently threw away my camera battery, so there's not going to be any photos until i gather up enough money to buy a new one. :( I'm sorry, all, i must learn to be more observant.

I can safetly say blink-182 turns me on, and Motley Crue makes me feel high.

 

I've been feeling awkward for two months now, unsure. Paranoid, scared, overtired, under estimated. I've felt as if i'm going to blow to pieces, as if i'm going to explode.

My friends have told me they think the reason i'm still sane is that i scream when i'm angry. My random outbursts. Man, if only they knew how sane i'm not.

Oddly, even though i've been feeling awkward and strange, i'm ok with it.

 

 

I'm reading The Herion Diaries. anyone else read it? what did you think of it?

it's my Birthday. :)

I'm excited. I'm 14.

I have a feeling this will be a good year.