Never let them take you alive

I am Kathryn, A 13 year old girl who lives two miles away from Tucson in Arizona. I was born the fifth of December in 1994.

Of course I’m not beautiful, not pretty. But I wish to be extraordinary, but I fear being that.

I’m afraid of many things; I’ll never be the brave girl. I’m afraid of change, afraid of what others think. I fear expressing myself. I’m afraid to gain weight, I’m afraid of what may happen to me. But mostly, I’m afraid of myself.

 

Loves: Music. It’s helped me a lot, I’m better off than I used to be because of it. I’m addicted to photography. It’s my life. I can’t explain what I feel when I press down the shutter, but it’s so divine. I can never make other people understand me, and so I try to do it better through the lens. I put a piece of me in every photo I take; look hard and you may see it.

 

Go on, grab your hat and fetch a camera. Go on; film the world before it happens

 

My Body: I hate it. I wish I could be thinner, taller, have a smaller chest. Where did I get this body? I understand the shortness, damn my parents. But my large chest I have no clue about. But it fucking sucks. But we are our worse critics, I should just forget it.

 

Soul: one thing I don’t know.

Shy: can’t collect my thoughts enough to speak, and my words make no sense anyway, so what the point?

Insanity: yes, I’m insane. But I say it’s self induced.

Sleepy: so lazy…

 

Sometimes I forget I'm still awake .I fuck up and say these things out loud

 

My world is one I love and hate. I’ve seen so much pain, so much emptiness. I’ve made friends with the homeless man who slept on the streets; I’ve watched him spend every penny he could get on drugs. I tried to help him, and then watched him as he slowly rotted away and died.

 

When we were living in a broken world, we turned it up and the we watched the city burn

 

Alone: I like to be alone. Sometimes. But sometimes I need someone to be there, but I don’t know how to reach out and get them. This is where my fear of myself comes in. I’m afraid to be alone with myself.

 

I want to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Someday, I swear I’ll leave. I need to before I fall over the edge, before I succeed at that. But where will I go, and how will I get there?

 

She wants to go fast, And never come back, And never collapse

 

 

Self Harm: It’s something I’ve done, and still do every now and then. I hate it, but I feel Addicted to it. I want to stop. I am slowly convincing myself that nothing is worth hurting yourself over. And I’m stopping it.

 

Yeah, I'm bi. if thats a problem for you, get the fuck off my page. And learn to be open minded. it shouldn't matter what i am.

I never want to be pregnant. I’d love to have kids, though. Maybe I’ll adopt. And I both want and don’t want to be married, because I’m afraid that love doesn’t really exist. But I do love him, though he’d never love me. And I don’t deserve him.

 If love exists, then I will fall…

 

Entirely, I’m not sure who I am. If I knew, I’d be doing something else. I’d be a greater person.

 

Who are you?

When you feel so weak
and you scratch those stitches
reminding you of why you fell away after the offset

and you cant hold sleep
and you gamble more than enough
you cant depend on them

still, i adore the taste of rain
and the bounce of bone on ground
it reminds me

make a wish tonight
all the stars are out
its out of your hands but not out of reach just

its not out of reach
no this is not out of reach

but you feel so weak
you've burst those stitches
reminding you just why you felt so cruel

still, i adore the taste of rain
and the bounce of bone on ground
it reminds me

that still, i adore the taste of rain
and the bounce of bone on ground
you cant depend on them

make a wish tonight
all the stars are out
its out of your hands but not out of reach just...

make a wish tonight
all the stars are out
its out of your hands but not out of reach cause
(its not, its not out of reach)

they build you up, they build you up

dont , dont run away dear
(darling. you're safe here with me)
dont , dont run away dear
(darling. you're safe here with me)
dont , dont run away dear
(darling. you're safe here with me)
dont , dont run away dear
(darling. you're safe here with me)

still, i adore the taste of rain
(darling. you're safe here with me)
and the bounce of bone on ground
(darling. you're safe here with me)
and the crackle of water well in the mark of all your...
(darling. you're safe here with me)

make a wish tonight
(darling. you're safe here with me)
all the stars are out
(darling. you're safe here with me)
its out of your hand but not out of reach
(darling. you're safe here with me)
its out of your hand but not out of reach
(darling. you're safe here with me)

Today, I'm going to try to start over.I'm going to throw away the fucking razor blades and write to myself on how i'm going to stop my self harm. And I will do it. I've been cutting myself for about two years, and i need to stop. I am going to end this addiction, this obsession of mine. When I feel the need to open my skin, i will find something else to do, anything. I'll never give in to the want to feel the rush the razor brings, not once more, and never again. I will stop making these scars that criss-cross on my arms and legs, those stupid little scars that show what an idiot i've been. I hate them so much, and i know they'll stay there till my death. I don't want more. I have two hundred and ten scars on my arms alone, and i'm not making anymore. This is my promise to myself, to all of you. To the world. And i'm not going to break it.

Today, all of the razors that remember my skin, my blood, are going in the trash and never coming out. I'll forget about them, forever.I'll get help, and distractions. I'll be stronger than i thought i ever could be, and i will stop the self harming.I'll save myself. i'll let music save me. All those bands that have ever helped me out of this shit before, Nirvana, Paramore, The Maine, The Academy Is..., My Chemical Romance, Name Taken, Panic! At the Disco,  all of them will be playing today non stop. I'm ending my addiction today, because i'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of the razors, i'm sick of the pain. I'm ending it all. I'm going to be Very Much Alive.

this is me:

oh yeah, i'm gonna go rock out to my insanity.
 

i'll hide within my dreams so i can't breathe.
because it feels better that way.

underwater is the silence i've been waiting for.
feels as if a lifetime, though only years.
Help me disappear  into it's blue
just like the one in my empty head.

Forgtton memories, filed away.
Like they should be, but threaten to resurface.
but they remain the same as I, an invisibility.

I'm fading away, I can't be redrawn.
i'm not like the tattoo over your heart,
though i wish to be.
because i'd be with you forever.

i've always been detached, but
you more than I. we were the same,
but now i'm the invisible one.

i've gone into my deep again. Simply blue. thats the exact color I could use to describe it. I feel as if I'm sinking, I'm worried that if I go under, I may not be able to resurface. But I always resurface, I can never figure out why. I get these freaky mood swings. One minute, i'll be totally hyper, laughing my head off, then five minutes later, i feel utterly pissed at the person i was talking to, for no reason that even I can see. then hyper again. then right back to the sinking blue. it's a living nightmare, but i'm still awake.

Burt and scorched into me, forever to stay always his name to be

forget it now it couldn't ever happen really why all this false hope in this?

runrun now, away from all that caused it, away from what you believe in. well, don't you dare waste a thought on this. your not running from, but running to. something to be proud of, after all.

the music of them makes a high, no more downs... high far away from the hell of

pound. of heart and rubber, across pavement. faster, faster, until you match the illusion you have become, this invisibility. running, the numbness seeps in. control. losing control faster, spinning. until the silence, like underneath the water, cold.