Never let them take you alive

So, i'm writing a review on 2008. seemed like a good idea, and an interesting thing to do.

I'm bad at remembering anything really. i know in January to May i was an idiotic blissful seventh grader in this lovely small town. i discovered buzznet at some point in this little space of time, along with Three Days Grace, Muse, and Unicorns who eat popcorn. I planned on going to the Warped tour, i wanted to be a summer girl with long legs.

June to July, i changed a bit. I got the biggest sunburn ever, I attended the Warped Tour and discovered how much i love Metal music, i boosed my confidence with my concert photography, which i don't think is good anymore. I traveled to Kentucky, went to Kings Island, got a first kiss, and ate tofu (yuk). I discoverd how much i loved to write. I tried many new things in those months: high heels, eyeliner, peppermint tooth paste, and heroin. I regret nothing.

August to September: i started school again, discovered exactly how insane eighth grade in a small town could be. Filled with whores, ignorant people, homophobes, crack addicts, and people who are just full of themselves, my school became a tedious place. as always, my grades slipped in september, but i got them up fast. I learned how to pin bugs.

October- November: Halloween was a great time. i figured out who real friends are, and i discovered some dark things about people I've tried to forget. started cutting the bad people out of my life, figuresd out that counseling sessions only make me feel wors, decided to become a more positive person, did heroin again. I regret it this time.

December- It's yet over, but i've only minutes left of it. I've changed a lot over these weeks, i think i'm figuring out who i am. I've really decided to stop self injuring, though no one seems to believe me. I got tired of being called emo, i'm trying to find something else to do with my style. I accepted full on that i am bisexual, I've decided to live in Los Angeles when i graduate Hi! School. I plan on being less ignorant, and less shy. I've been focusing on the things that make me laugh (thank you Florian) and less on the things that make me cry. talked someone out of being an idiot, made a good decision. Got a better grasp on my beliefs ( yes, i'm agnostic. i don't believe in either fate or destiny, I do believe in the future. I still believe in fairies. I do believe in good people.) I'm shaking in my boots with fear about the future, but i'm trying to do less of that. i learned to question my decisions, and look inside of people.

Resoloutions: i never believed in these things, but i figure i'll write plans down. I plan to be more up to date, more educated, more motivated. less apathetic, more positive. less depressed and meek, more in your face. less scared. I don't want to hold onto my world, i want to plunge my fist into it and grasp it from the inside. I also plan on being nicer to myself. I plan to learn to save both money and memories, and not be so naieve. less judging, less dumb.

but i can quote : "worrying is a waste of my...time."

And i've yet to learn how to lose myself, so i've been trying. then maybe i'll find myself completely.

So hello 2009, i'm still afraid of whats to come, but i'm going to be a diffrent person. I'm ready.

I’m drowning in ice, you wish it was you.

There’s no place to hide.

Clear the smoke from your lungs, pull your self together!

We’re sleeping in a better time.

Never coming back, never turning back!

What are you afraid of? Don’t tell me it’s this face.

Don’t dare to forget this name, you’ll be screaming it later.

Of course you won’t forget this voice,

It’s the last one you’ll hear!

Scream until your lungs give out. No one’s here to save you.

Walls of secrets, now there’s little oxygen.

Stagger out, trip away.

Time’s running out.

Curled up in corners, what’s in this room that keeps you coming back?

Is it all you’re breathing for?

Words spill out faster than new blood

Like thoughts through your head.

You do know I’d die here with you?

But I have better things to do. Dig your own grave.

I’m not helping you, there’s no turning back once we’ve started.

No running, No hiding. As if they could do both.

Shadows have come to an end! Night could last forever.

All is less than the dark, Darker than death it’s self.

Can you feel it? Or at least understand how I feel this?

This is the way we should have done this.

So they may know us. A cold bed.

So come and let it go, in your mind.

Do you fear who we are? Without you?

What we do, what we are, what we speak.

You’re afraid of everything that exists to you,

Sad as nothing as they whisper to you.

Your reflection in shadowed rooms.

Me.

Shut up! Just shut up!

I’m driven to insanity by your stupid broken promises.

I hope the tables turn, and you’ll be thrown into the ocean instead.

Who we are is not a bother to you once you’re gone.

(it may be a repost, i forget. my first attempt at lyrics)

I'm just feeling really depressed right now, because i see how much i've been changing. I realized that i can't go back to that little girl without a care in the world, and it's freaked me out. Now i'm so afraid of the future, of what i can become.

And i swear i will not be powerless. Some people tell me thats my worst idea ever, to have power. I think it's better than being that person who depends on everyone to help her with her life. I want control.

i wrote some stuff today. I'm actually almost proud of it. :)

seemed important enough to let out in a journal post, so here you go.

"Where do we go (life's temporary), after we're gone (like new years resolutions),why is this hard (do you recognize me),I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believin') ,I'm so lost ,I'm barely here, I wish I could explain myself, but words escape me."

i don't know what i was thinking. i really do not.

I mean what the hell?

I had an awesome day today. went to see mr. Mall Santa.

Of course, as the good child that i am, i disturbed him greatly with what i asked for. :) I even gave him a photo, haha.

you wanna see the picture? here it is :

lets just pretend i'm insane. ok?

I'd love to drop everyone a note that says Happy Christmas, but i don't have that much time on my hands, so to everyone:

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! and MERRY NEW YEAR!!!!

I'd tell you what i asked for... but in truth i'm embarrased about that... no clue what i was thinking. I'll tell you that my mom looked at me and asked, "Kathryn, are you drunk?"  so yeah.

Hell, my best moment of 2008 had to be my random tourettes moment. :) just cause it was weird and funny.

And who knew all your legends could be so destructive?

Hell, how one loves the scent of insanity,

It reeks of letting yourself go.

The pain could be blinding, if only you cared.

The ups are mountains; the downs are your deepest seas.

If it was drowning, why are they all not dead?

The flood wasn’t what you expected, but what you craved.

Breathe it in until it’s all burning,

Hell, one fears the sweet release of insanity.

Soft and sharp, it tightens the muscles until its all you’d ever feel.

Where do we go? Where does it end now?

Blackened hands, the walls are soon to collapse.

Now who knew your legends would all be dead?

Immobilized by the noise,

Why don’t you just let yourself in?

I hate when people ask questions like that. hell, of course i don't know! you haven't told me yet!

ok, on all standards, i don't think i need help anymore. I'm over being self destructive. Bot i still get forced to go toa counselor. :P

Today's top 5 songs-

1. Too Young To Fall In Love- Motley Crue
2. Bad Reputation- Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
3. William, It Was Really Nothing- The Smiths
4. High Voltage- AC/DC
5. Running Away- Three Days Grace

And thats how the day goes today.

I'm considering taking a break on buzznet, until next year. thoughts? it might give me time to redo my self. I'm tired of who i am.

Hello.

Welcome to my mind, I'm one bored bastard. Watch me strangle my time and forget where it went.

Top Ten Albums

1. Sugarcult- Lights Out (best song: Los Angeles)

2. Motley Crue- Too Fast For Love (Best Song: Starry Eyes)

3. blink 182 – blink 182 (best song: Violence)

4. Ramones- Rocket to Russia (best song: Little Ramona)

5. Mest- Photographs (best song: Kiss Me, Kill Me)

6. Fountains of Wayne- Traffic and Weather (best song: Someone to Love)

7. Motley Crue- Girls, Girls, Girls (best song: Dancing on Glass)

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Plagues (best song: Reptar, King of the Ozone)

9. Nine Inch Nails- Pretty Hate Machine (best song: Head like a Hole)

10: The Doors: The Soft Parade ( best song: Touch Me.)

Top Ten Artists

1. The Beatles

2. blink 182

3. Sugarcult

4. The Doors

5. Panic! At The Disco ( Fever ca.)

6. Motley Crue

7. Ratt

8. Escape the Fate (Craig Mabbit ca.)

9. Nine Inch Nails

10. This Providence

"I want a girl, girl that won't talk back
And a job, job that gives me slack
And a car, car that won't break down
In the heat of Los Angeles
I want to go, go without a map
Far away, away, I won't get trapped
By the sound, a town, the sun beats down
In the heat of Los Angeles

One more holiday
I will not celebrate
I'm almost desperate
Cause I'm down, I'm down, I'm so beat down

This city's killing me
I want, I want, I want everything
This city's killing me
In the heat of Los Angeles"

Currently my addiction.

Los Angeles by Sugarcult has got to be my top song of all time.

Friday was indeed awkward.

I need a blacker soul, to let it all alone... and you should fear what it's done to me, i just want you to leave me alone.

I've figured out where i wish to live- Either NYC or Los Angeles. or someplace no one will know me. I'm so tired of people knowing my name, them knowing my life.

The sun will burn down my skies, my screams are melting to thin ice.

Have you ever woken up and found you were missing an article of clothing? yeah, well... i still don't know where my shirt was. I've been known to sleep walk, so it's probably lost... unles i wasn't wearing one... but i swear i had one on, and i wake up and wonder why it's so damned cold. :P

Once i get a car... man, you'll be sure i'll never be here. This house isn't a home, it's a shell i'll inhabit for 4 more years. or three.

I'm almost desperate to get out of here.

I still want someone who will call me love.

so my week: Good, tiring, one of the best this year. :)

so i accidently threw away my camera battery, so there's not going to be any photos until i gather up enough money to buy a new one. :( I'm sorry, all, i must learn to be more observant.

I can safetly say blink-182 turns me on, and Motley Crue makes me feel high.

I've been feeling awkward for two months now, unsure. Paranoid, scared, overtired, under estimated. I've felt as if i'm going to blow to pieces, as if i'm going to explode.

My friends have told me they think the reason i'm still sane is that i scream when i'm angry. My random outbursts. Man, if only they knew how sane i'm not.

Oddly, even though i've been feeling awkward and strange, i'm ok with it.

I'm reading The Herion Diaries. anyone else read it? what did you think of it?

it's my Birthday. :)

I'm excited. I'm 14.

I have a feeling this will be a good year.

Some people may have noticed... I haven't posted a 365 day photo for a week! Well, that doesn't mean i'm stopping it. I'm busy, out of time, and creativily dried out. So I'm planning on catching up soon. ok? alls good?

Anyway...I got my hair cut! yay!   Wow, it's pathetic how thats the highlight of my day. It looks all right, the bangs are too short. (again...)

And my birthday is in 4 days! December 5th! I'm oh so excited, though scared You know, it's growing up. I'll be 14! wow. And i have no clue what i'm gonna do. Fourteen years young. I'm so awed.

You people should go look up William Control. It's Wil from Aiden, and it's pretty fantastic. I'm enjoying.

You find the best things written on bathroom walls.

Christmas is soon too! thats exciting. I like to give things to people. :)

and heyheyhey I've found some fantastic photos recently. you guys are all amazing!

I'm working on being more positive. thats one of my birthday resoloutions. you know how people make new year resoloutions? i do mine on my birthday because it's a whole new year for me. I try turning over new pages for each birthday.

and since someone asked, yes, i do happen to have a thing for Tom Delonge. sadly. but lets ignore that.